Only Child

 I read once that in the original Snow White fairytale, there was no stepmother, only a real mother filled with jealousy of her daughter. A sort of "be careful what you wish for" tale. I thought about of the mothers with Postnatal Depression who cannot bond with their children and wondered if this was the true story behind Snow White. I do not mean to demonise anyone with Postnatal Depression or other illnesses, but to try and see the story behind the fairytale.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS: Domestic violence, child abuse, postnatal depression

Only Child 

(A retelling of Snow White)

A mother's wish for her child is always selfish

When I felt the life moving within me

I wished for her to be all things

Beautiful, wise, brave

And lucky

When she blossomed into the world

Tearing out of me

I thought I would know beauty

But there was only pain

Days, weeks, months passing in a blur

Only knowing the lingering sadness

Of this part of you

Becoming something else

Growing, changing on its own

Skin as white as snow

Skin that needed

Thick lashings of sunscreen

Like whipped cream

And to be kept out of the sun

Lest she turn red as a lobster

Crying all the time

When she was hungry

Sick

And I

Who she was once a part of

Unable to guess her needs

Frustration

Resentment

Wanting to turn back time

Why did I ever wish for a child?

I would watch him playing with her

With her little pink toes

He made her laugh as I never could

I remembered when I was his everything

I faded into the background

He barely seemed to see me

My drab clothes over my stretched body

Misshapen by childbirth

The damage she had done

Postnatal depression they finally said

There were pills

A counsellor

Things got better for a time

I tried to love her

Tried to relish the fact her beauty grew as mine faded

Tried not to see how his love for me faded as his for her grew

I threw the pills down the toilet,

Nothing would make it better

I wanted her to bleed like I had for her

I wanted to see that snow white skin split open

I wanted her to feel the pain that I did

I slit open

That snow white skin

So many cuts

I cut my only child

And felt no remorse

Somehow I failed

She broke free

Running down the street leaving behind her blood drops like rubies

The surgeon in the hospital who sewed her up

Had a face like a prince in a storybook.

I knew that he loved her at once

Just like everybody else

I played the grieving mother but this time no one believed

She didn't look at me as they took me away to the psych ward

They say I won't see jail and for that I am grateful

Here in this ward where the walls are painted like a forest

Because they think it will keep us calm

She visits me and tells me I am still her mother

I relish the scars that cover her arms and chest

And mar that skin as white as snow

They should not have shown me mercy

If they ever let me out

I will kill that snow white bitch.